Self Helping Yourself

Self Improvement Made Easy

Living Better

Incremental Improvements

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I’ve read over 50 self-help books over the last few years. Some were helpful, and some not so much. But one flaw that most of the books have in common – even the good ones – is a tendency to overpromise. They tell you that if you follow their advice, it will bring about dramatic improvements in your life.

If you read a self-help book expecting it to make dramatic changes to your life, you’re inevitably going to be disappointed. That just isn’t realistic. The problem is that even in those cases when the sentence “If you follow this advice, you will dramatically improve your life” is true, it still contains a huge conditional: “if you follow this advice.”

The issue is that you aren’t going to follow the advice. Not all of it. Not enough to make immediate dramatic changes to your life. You are who you are. You can’t simply choose to be a different person, and you can’t just choose to change all your habits.… Read more

What I Wish I Knew

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Woman with flying books representing things I Wish I Knew

A couple years ago, I wrote up a list of “Things I Wish I Knew.” These were various pieces of wisdom that I’ve come to realize by my early 40s, that I hadn’t figured out when I was younger, and which would have made me happier had I known them sooner.

I thought it might be interesting to share that list.

Note that there’s significant crossover between this list and my “Rules to Live By” page, because as I’ve grown and figured stuff out, I’ve tried to incorporate that into my life.

Also, I apologize in advance if this list comes off a bit arrogant and holier-than-thou. Note that this list is all things that I’ve gotten wrong in the past, and I am genuinely wiser, and have more perspective and life-experience than my younger self.  Please don’t take that as me being condescending or dismissive/insulting toward my readers.… Read more

Digging out of a slump

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A month ago I left my job. I thought this was going to give me unprecedented time to write. But this is the first blog post I’ve written since then. My only post in February was an excerpt from my weight loss book that I had written earlier.

Sometimes in life we fall down, go astray, and make mistakes. Nobody is perfect. And part of self-improvement is examining things we’ve done wrong. The important thing here is to avoid doing this out of guilt, self-hatred, or to punish ourselves. Rather, it’s so we can learn how to better handle similar situations in the future.

So what happened?

Well, I spent the last month in rural Tennessee, in the house my wife inherited from her brother who passed away last year. Cleaning out the house has been a slow process, as her brother had a lot of hobbies that involved collecting lots of stuff, and we aren’t quite sure what to do with all of it.… Read more

Don’t Throw Water on a Grease Fire Just So You Can “Do Something”

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I have a new addition to my Rules to Live By: Don’t throw water on a grease fire just so you can “do something.” What this means is that sometimes you encounter a crisis or bad situation where your natural instinct is to act in some way to help out. But any action you can think or are capable of doing will only make things worse. In which case, it is better to do nothing.

No matter how benevolent our intentions are, doing nothing is a superior option to making things worse. 

Looking at this literally, most fires can be quenched with water. But not a grease fire. That’s because when you throw water on a grease fire, the first few bits of water to hit the fire flash-boil. Steam has approximately 1000 times the volume of water. This rapid expansion displaces the burning microdroplets of grease at a high speed, causing them to fly all over the place.… Read more

Foster a positive attitude to improve your happiness and the world

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I saw a meme recently that really struck me: It said “The antidote to negativity is not positivity, it’s warmth.”

I think in some ways this is very true, and in some ways is very untrue.

Let’s first talk about how it’s true: If someone is feeling sad or depressed*, it’s not helpful to tell them to “cheer up.” That just invalidates their feelings, which either adds a sense of frustration to the difficulty that they’re already experiencing, or else adds a sense of self-loathing for their failure to feel the way people tell them they’re supposed to be feeling. Of course they’d rather be happy than sad. Telling them to do that isn’t going to make them magically accomplish it.

Instead, the most helpful thing you can do for someone who is feeling sad or depressed is offer them warmth: A friendly ear, a hug, taking them out for coffee.… Read more

Twenty-eight Ways to Exercise That Aren’t Going to the Gym

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Note: As I’ve mentioned before, I’ve been working on a book called The Weight Loss Habit. From time to time I’ll post excerpts from the book.

Edit:

The book is now available.

My approach mostly focuses on eating habits rather than exercise, because diet has a much bigger impact on your weight and overall health. But exercise certainly has some impact. And you absolutely should be getting exercise.

But not at the gym. Here’s the dirty little secret about the gym industry: Gyms are only for people who enjoy going for the gym. Take note of that. Commit it to memory. Recall it anytime a commercial, salesperson, corporate wellness program, overeager gym cultist, New Years Resolution bug, doctor, or well-meaning friend suggests you join one. Do not join a gym unless you are the kind of person who finds the gym actively fun. If you do, you are just wasting your money, and setting yourself up for frustration, failure, and self-hatred.… Read more

Genial January

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What if I told you there was a quick and easy way to significantly improve your happiness, that would take absolutely no time out of your busy day. In fact, it will even give you an extra bit of free time.

One of the most common pieces of advice in happiness literature is to keep a gratitude journal. That’s not what I’m talking about here. (I do recommend a gratitude journal – it only takes a few minutes a day. But that advice is hardly novel, and I promised you something that takes no time at all.)

Let’s talk about why gratitude journals work. When you build a habit of sitting down every day to think about someone or something you are grateful for, you are training yourself to focus on what is good in your life. This shift in your perspective will make you happier overall.

By contrast, many people treat social media (especially Facebook) as a sort of ingratitude journal.… Read more

It’s Okay to Not Have an Opinion

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Here are three questions for you:

1. What is the best technique for performing brain surgery.

2. What is the best engine design for a rocket to Mars.

3. What is the best way to bring about peace in the Middle East.

Most people are willing to admit that they don’t know the answers to the first two questions. There’s a reason “rocket scientist” and “brain surgeon” are slang for really smart people. If there were a debate going on about these subjects among actual brain surgeons or rocket scientists, and they were to ask your input, you would be comfortable admitting that you had no opinion on the matter and weren’t qualified to respond.

The alternative would be pretty silly. Picture these brilliant experts discussing concepts you have zero comprehension of. You don’t even understand half the words they’re using. Then you spout off a bunch of complete gibberish to the people who know far more than you, and insist that if they disagree they’re evil and stupid.… Read more

How the Phantom Menace Destroyed a Generation

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With a new Star Wars movie coming out this weekend, I’ve received a request to repost what was probably the most popular article from my old defunct movie blog, CinemaBadger. (Feel free to poke around there. I haven’t regularly updated it in three and a half years, but there’s lots of interesting content.)

While this is about movies, it’s also about psychology, so it’s apt for this blog.

Originally Published December 17, 2015 (Just before the release of Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens)

I think now is a good time to reflect upon how fundamentally weird it is that after this weekend, Star Wars will never be the same.

Imagine a devout Christian learning that an additional testament to the bible has just been discovered. They don’t know if this newer testament will be good or bad, whether it will be in keeping with what spoke to them regarding the previous testament, whether it will be full of excellent moral guidance or a disillusioning disappointment.… Read more

Specialization is for Insects

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“A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly.

Specialization is for insects.“

This is a quote from the science fiction writer Robert Heinlein, from the 1973 book Time Enough for Love. 

I agree with the overall point, but when you look at the specific examples, some of them seem like real head-scratchers in today’s world. You have to remember that Heinlein was writing this from his own context. He grew up on a farm, then was in the Navy, in general had a somewhat militaristic mindset, and was writing this 50 years ago.

The world has moved more toward specialization in the last half-century, and that’s a good thing.… Read more