What’s easy for some is difficult for others.
This seems obvious, but many tend to forget it.
Beyond knowledge and experience, there are different aptitudes and natural skillsets.
One person may intuitively grasp a task. While another may struggle no matter how much effort, study, and practice they put in.
That’s okay. Different people are good at different things.
But when helping someone, recognize there’s a reason they need help.
What they’re trying is difficult for them, even if you think it’s simple.
If you truly want to help, take the time to understand why they’re having difficulty.
Then suggest solutions that are doable for someone who finds this hard, rather than solutions that work for someone with your level of skill.
We’re good at different things
Imagine Alice grew up tinkering with cars. It’s easy for her.
Bob has no mechanical aptitude and never touched a socket wrench.
Alice tells Bob, “Changing your oil is easy. Just jack up your car, drain the old oil, and pour in the new oil.”
It’s as easy as that, for her.
While Bob thinks, “Where do I get a jack? How do I use it? How do I drain the old oil? What do I drain it into? What do I do with it after? Where do I pour the new oil? Will my car fall and kill me if I do it wrong?”
Everything obvious and easy to Alice is baffling to Bob, so Bob is frustrated instead of helped.
Meanwhile, Bob’s a natural salesman, where Alice struggles. Bob tells her, “Landing a new client is easy. Just show them how they’ll benefit.”
It’s that easy for Bob, but Alice thinks, “How do I find potential clients? How do I get them to talk to me? What do they need? How do I convince them my product will help them?”
Stuff Bob knows how to do without thinking.
When giving advice, see things from the perspective of the person who needs advice. And remember that what’s easy for some is difficult for others.
Maintaining a healthy weight is much harder for some than others
Most weight loss advice comes from people who have never struggled with weight themselves.
Which is why diets just don’t work.
Nearly all diet advice boils down to “eat healthier and exercise more.”
People who struggle with weight aren’t idiots. We already know eating healthy and exercising results in healthier bodies.
The problem is eating and exercise habits that are easy for some are difficult for others.
Diet gurus give advice that would only be helpful if obesity was caused by having the nutritional understanding of a toddler, rather than any of the real reasons people struggle with weight.
That’s why I wrote my own weight loss book, based on the premise that those of us who struggle with weight aren’t stupid. We already know what we should be doing. My book gives strategies on how to make good decisions easier.
Self-improvement is easy for some and difficult for others
Any self-improvement book you’ve heard of was written by someone at an extremely high level of talent.
Their ideas, writing, and marketing skills are elite enough that they’re capable of writing a famous self-improvement book. And their advice comes from the perspective.
But the people read self-help books because they’re unsatisfied and looking to change.
The authors are very different from the audience who reads them.
Good self-help authors recognize this, understand their readers, and guide them in an accessible way.
But many self-improvement gurus don’t.
As I say in Don’t Challenge Yourself, their advice only works if you have infinite willpower, time, energy, and confidence. No normal person could possibly follow it. Then they insist it’s your fault their advice doesn’t work.
If you don’t spend 93 hours a day exercising/working on your side hustle / cooking / networking / marketing / meditating / reading / journaling / selling / doing affirmations / practicing / researching stonks / doing a shamanic dance, then you must not want it hard enough and you deserve to fail, loser.
Mental health problems make everything harder
Mental health problems make everything in life harder.
People who lack experience with this often give advice that does more harm than good.
They’ll suggest those with mental health challenges try exercise, meditating, or changing their diet – often discouraging real medical help and medication.
First of all, the neurodivergent have already heard this advice. You aren’t saying anything new.
More importantly, living with mental diseases is really really hard. Just existing and doing anything is a challenge. It’s an enormous struggle to simply get out of bed each day.
If someone can barely get out of bed, they won’t go to the gym five times a week.
Suggesting they do is cruel. It implies the disease is their own fault. Or obliges them to explain their difficulties in functioning, which is painful and embarassing.
Moreover, getting medical help for their disease is an overwhelming ordeal. Many have phobias about doctors and medicine, on top of their struggles to get out of bed, leave the house, and navigate a complex uncaring bureaucracy.
Any discouragement, or suggestions of alternatives (which they won’t do anyway), will likely keep them from getting care that could allow them to be a functional person.
When you discourage people with mental health difficulties from seeking medical help – or suggest alternatives – you are actively wrecking their life!! No matter how good your intentions. Don’t do this!!
When you discourage people with mental health difficulties from seeking medical help – or suggest alternatives – you are actively wrecking their life!! No matter how good your intentions. Don’t do this!!
Guidelines for advice
It’s admirable to want to help people. Here are some guidelines to ensure your advice is helpful.
- Make sure advice is wanted in the first place.
Is this person actually asking for advice? Or are they just venting/looking for sympathy?
- Take time to understand their context.
Learn what they know and don’t know, what they need, what they’ve tried, and why that didn’t work.
- Don’t assume they’re stupid.
You have more knowledge, but that doesn’t mean they’re dumb. Don’t tell them obvious stuff everyone knows, like suggesting someone who struggles with weight try eating healthier.
- Remember what’s easy for you is difficult for them.
If someone’s struggling with something you think should be easy, there’s a reason it’s hard for them. Find the disconnect or challenge so you can help.
Remember that what’s easy for some is difficult for others to ensure your help is helpful
Everyone wants to be helpful, especially to those you care about.
To be genuinely helpful, remember what’s easy for some is difficult for others. Give the kind of assistance that’s useful to someone who needs help in the first place.
It is important to appreciate that not everything is equally easy or hard and everyone is different. Maybe that will make me kinder in the future to myself when I don’t get something as quickly as someone else does. Good job!
Absolutely! Struggling to learn something is hard enough without beating yourself up on top of it.