Reward Good Behavior Instead of Criticizing Bad Behavior

Reward good behavior if you want someone to change.

Criticizing bad behavior is counterproductive.

Rewarding good behavior works for yourself and others. Whether learning a good habit or breaking a bad habit.

And rewarding good behavior convinces people to change.

Reward good behavior to make the right thing feel good

You don’t housebreak a dog by yelling at it for pooping inside. That makes it neurotic and afraid of humans. Instead, reward and praise it for pooping outside.

Obviously dogs aren’t people, but the same principle applies.

Being told “good job” feels good. People will repeat and build on that good behavior.

Being told ”bad job” feels bad. 

But rather than avoiding bad behavior, that makes people depressed and unmotivated. They’ll argue with the criticizer or avoid the situation entirely.

Self-improvement won’t work if it doesn’t reward good behavior

This is why so much self-improvement advice is counterproductive.

A helpful approach is to say, “Here are some ways to improve within your capabilities you can feel good about accomplishing, then build on.”

But many gurus take an unhelpful approach to self-help:

“You’re a fat lazy slob who’s wasting your life on TV and social media. You should be perfect like me. If you don’t have the infinite free time, willpower, money, and lack of obligations to instantly change your entire life, you deserve to be a pathetic loser.”

The latter simply doesn’t work. 

People could improve by eating healthier, getting more exercise, and spending less time on TV and social media.

But insulting people for bad habits doesn’t convince them to change.

It just makes them ashamed and depressed, and makes them avoid any attempts to improve.

Reward good behavior for yourself instead of self-criticism

This also applies to self-criticism.

If you want to change, reward and praise yourself for doing the right thing. Don’t punish or hate yourself for doing the wrong thing.

This is one of the reasons my weight loss strategy worked while most don’t.

The overwhelming majority of diets fail. And in 97% of those that “succeed,” the person gains the weight back, with 83% gaining more weight.

But after spending half my life obese, I lost 30% of my body weight, and have kept it off 20 years.

As I explain in my book, I praise myself for good decisions, while other diets punish you for bad decisions.

I replace the dopamine hit of overeating with the reward of patting myself on the back. This turns my diet into a happy thing.

By contrast, traditional diets focus on depriving yourself and doing unpleasant exercise. When you slip up or make bad decisions, you feel guilt, shame, and self-hatred.

This feels bad, so you avoid it. The easiest way to avoid it is quitting the diet, so you don’t have to suffer at all. And that’s what most people do.

Criticizing beliefs doesn’t change them

This same principle applies to changing someone’s mind.

Screaming, insulting, punishing, silencing, or ostracizing doesn’t change anyone’s beliefs. 

It pushes them to believe even harder. Radicalizes them. Makes them feel like your side are jerks and bullies while their side are persecuted victims.

No matter how wrong they are, how awful their beliefs, or how much they “deserve” to be ostracized for them.

So what does change someone’s mind?

Rewarding them for good behavior. Finding common ground. Being kind. Praising motives even if you disagree about conclusions. Saying their heart’s in the right place. Truly listening and hearing their concerns.

It’s easy to hate someone who attacks and insults you. Someone who hates you won’t care what you have to say. Even if they “deserve” to be attacked and insulted.

But it’s really hard to hate someone who’s kind to you.

Accept that there are more people with wrong beliefs than you can have relatable conversations with.

When you can’t or won’t put in the effort to positively interact with them for beneficial change, the best you can do is nothing. Don’t make things worse by attacking them.

(I’m not claiming kindness will automatically make someone agree with you. But it will usually somewhat open their mind and soften their heart. Whereas attacking them will definitely push them away.)

Why is criticism more common than rewarding good behavior?

Most people resort to lashing out and criticism when trying to help others improve.

Why is this?

First, it’s easy.

When they see someone making a mistake, saying, “Hey, that’s wrong!” feels like doing them a favor by helping them learn. 

It’s harder to encourage better behavior without criticism. Even though criticism doesn’t actually work.

There’s not enough time in the day to figure out positive approaches to correcting every person you encounter.

People also turn to negative approaches out of frustration.

It’s so obvious someone’s wrong. Often bad behavior harms you or other innocents. We only have so much patience, and it’s understandable to snap.

Resorting to criticism is natural. Everyone does it, including me. Nobody’s perfect.

To fight this urge, remind yourself that genuinely helping someone improve is much better and more satisfying than attacks and criticism that only make them worse.

(There are also less innocent reasons for negative approaches to behavior change: To beat others down, manipulate them, be willfully cruel, or feel smug and superior at someone else’s expense. I’ll assume none of these apply to you.)

Rewarding good behavior is its own reward

There are many times you want to correct someone’s behavior – for their own benefit, your benefit, or the world’s benefit.

It’s tempting to give in to frustrations and criticize or punish them.

But the only way to truly improve someone – whether yourself or another – is to reward good behavior.

And you’ll find that helping someone in this way both works, and feels good for you. Which will make you want to do it more.

It turns out there are rewards for the good behavior of rewarding good behavior.