Accepting Your Memory is Unreliable Will Make You Happier

Your memory is unreliable.

Let me repeat that with added emphasis. Your memory is unreliable. I’m talking about you. The person reading this article right now.

Please don’t take that as an insult.

It’s nothing to be ashamed of. Everyone’s memory is unreliable. My memory is unreliable too. 

In fact, to show you we’re in this together, if you read to the end, I’ll share an embarrassing story about my own unreliable memory.

Cognitive Flaws Apply to Everyone, Including You

Most well-educated people know that memory is unreliable in general. But they exclude themselves from this basic fact of human biology.

They think they can trust their own memories. That their recollection of events is always correct.

But this just isn’t the case.

You are a human. Human memories are unreliable. Hence, your memory is unreliable.

This false belief in one’s own infallibility leads to a lot of unnecessary fights, strained relationships, and misery.

By contrast, once you truly accept that your memories might be false, it opens the door to a happier life.

That sounds counterintuitive, but read on to learn why.

Your Memories Get Rewritten Every Time You Remember Them

Most people think of memories as an indelible recording. They assume when they’re remembering, they’re replaying a video.

But this isn’t the case.

Every time you remember something, you’re actually re-editing the video.

You’re altering it based on who you are now, which may have changed from who you were then.

You’re coloring it from your current emotions.

You’re filling in extra details, to make the story more coherent, compelling, or to better fit the point you’re trying to make.

You’re making yourself look like the good guy, and making others look like the bad guys.

But here’s the important thing:

When you’re remembering things, the neural connections in your brain become malleable.

You’re not just seeing the memory from your current perspective. You’re permanently changing it.

The next time you remember it, it will be the updated memory from the last time, not the original events that happened. (And then you’ll alter the memory again.)

Essentially, you’re remembering your memory, not the original event.

Memories can significantly drift over time, like a game of telephone.

Your Memory is Unreliable About Major Things You’re Absolutely Certain Of

You may be thinking that the studies I referenced above related to trivial matters, such as a video or where images were on a grid. Surely it’s different with important things you’re totally certain of.

But that’s not the case.

Psychologists refer to “flashbulb memories,” of major, often traumatic events.

But people do not remember those accurately either.

Right after 9/11, there were two different experiments that asked people to recount their experiences of that day. Where they were, how they heard about it, who they were with, what they saw on TV, their emotions, etc.

Experimenters followed up with the subjects months and years later asking them to again describe these things. And found that there had been major changes to their memories, just like with normal, less significant memories.

The difference with flashbulb memories, however, was that people were much more certain that their memories were correct.

And this certainty had no connection to how accurate their memories actually were.

Everyone’s Brain Works This Way, Including Yours

You might think that you’re above this sort of cognitive flaw.

But remember, these have been consistent results in studies of thousands of people.

This is just how the human mind works.

My memory is unreliable. Your memory is unreliable. You can’t even believe the things you’re completely certain of.

How Knowing This Can Make You Happier

The world would be a better place if all our brains contained infallible hard drives that kept unchanging records of how things really happened.

But since that just isn’t the case, recognizing the reality that your memory is unreliable can open the door to improving your happiness, in several ways.

When You Know Your Memory is Unreliable, You’re Less Stubborn and More Willing to Compromise

There are a lot of arguments in life that stem from one party believing things happened one way, and the other believing they happened a different way.

“You said we should leave at 8:00.” “No, I said the play started at 8:00.”

“You said you would charge X.” “No, I said I would charge Y.”

“You never assigned that project.” “Yes I did. You must not have been listening.”

These fights can get blown out of proportion and ruin relationships, because both sides are absolutely certain their version of events is correct.

Often these are relatively trivial matters, and both sides would be much better off if they could just put it behind them and move forward.

But because they’re both certain their memory is correct, nobody’s willing to back down. “Am I supposed to lie and claim to be at fault even though I’m the one who’s right? That’s ridiculous. They should be the one to admit fault since they’re the one who’s wrong.”

So instead, they keep escalating the conflict.

Once you recognize that you might be the one who’s wrong, compromise becomes much more likely. You could say something like, “It seems that one or both of us is mistaken. Instead of fighting, let’s find a solution moving forward that works for both of us.”

Then your life is much better and happier than if you were pointlessly fighting and ruining your relationship over some trivial matter that you may have been wrong about.

Recognizing Your Own Fallibility Makes You More Forgiving Of Others

Let’s say you get into a disagreement where there’s proof you’re the one who’s remembering things correctly. Maybe there’s an e-mail trail showing you really did assign that project, or something like that.

You could think, “Ha! I caught that jerk lying trying to avoid work! I’ve got him now!”

Or you could remember that everyone, including you, has an unreliable memory, and assume he made an innocent mistake.

In general, when people recount events wrongly, don’t think of them as maliciously lying or crazy.

Think of them as human.

And be open to the possibility that it’s actually you who’s wrong.

Be forgiving, and treat him with kindness.

Being kind to others makes you happier directly.

And it inspires others to be kind to you in return, which will significantly improve your life.

(Side note: This is also a good reason to do Jovial July.)

Realizing Your Memory is Unreliable Can Help You Grow and Be Better

The changes in how we remember things aren’t random. 

Everyone sees themselves as the hero of their own story.

Nobody likes to feel guilty. Like they were a jerk, or an idiot, or to blame.

They want to be the good guy. The one who did the right thing.

So they’ll skew their memories in this direction.

This is perfectly normal. Nearly everyone does this. It’s part of being human.

But when you convince yourself you did everything right, you sacrifice the opportunity to learn from any mistakes.

If you believe you’re already perfect, you’ll never improve.

How do you fix this?

When something goes wrong, or not as well as you’d hoped, resist the urge to think, “I did everything right, and all the problems were someone else’s fault/outside of my control.”

Even if that’s exactly how you remember it.

Really investigate things. Look through your notes, records, e-mails. Ask for feedback from others involved. 

Not for any sort of self-flagellation, but so that you can do better next time.

My Memory is Unreliable Too

I promised you an embarrassing story about my own flawed memory:

In the first draft of this post, I talked about a particular study I remembered hearing about in an audiobook or podcast.

Then when I was editing the post, I tried to find details of the study to link to.

I couldn’t find the study.

I spent an entire day reading around 75 articles trying to find it.

I found similar studies, but there was a key detail that was the most important part of the point I was making, which was missing from every study I found.

I posted to Facebook and Twitter asking for help, and nobody knew of the specific study I was asking about. (Though they pointed me to similar ones.)

I asked my wife, and she remembered me telling her about the study, but not reading about it from any other source.

After spending an entire day, getting more and more frustrated about this, I woke up in the middle of the night and realized the obvious answer that had been staring me in the face the entire time:

This was my own false memory.

I was remembering one of the similar studies, but the specific detail I found so compelling simply never happened.

None of us are perfect, including me. Even while writing about unreliable memory, it took me an entire day to notice that my own memory being wrong was the most likely explanation.

Had I followed my own advice, I would have been happier.

(I’m not saying what it was I falsely remembered, because I don’t want to spread garbage information.)

After the first ten or so articles, I should have stopped and thought, “Why is it that none of these articles on this subject make any mention of this extremely relevant and interesting study I remember?”

But, like everyone else, I had too much misplaced confidence in my own memory. So the possibility of me being wrong didn’t occur to me. Even though I was writing about that exact subject. 

And because of this, I wasted an entire day being frustrated.

Conclusion

It’s not enough to know that memory is unreliable in a general sense. You need to truly understand, on a deep level, that your own memory is unreliable.

Once you let go of the misplaced faith in your mind’s infallibility, your life will become much happier.