How to Stop Making Enemies (Part 2 of 2)

Stop making enemies. That’s even more important than the process of winning over allies that I described In Part 1 of this essay.

If you haven’t read Part 1, make sure to do that now. Especially about how in discussion, some people have a paradigm of exchanging information and persuasion, and some have a paradigm of scoring points in an imaginary game of “Who’s the worse person.”

It’s Hard to Make Allies

When I went over the process of how to win over allies, I didn’t mention two major drawbacks:

It’s difficult.

And it’s time-consuming.

It necessarily needs to be done one person at a time. You have to take the time to listen to them, make the effort to understand, and figure out how to present your position in a way that will connect with them.

And there’s a good chance this is someone you find distasteful or are irritated by in the first place.

It just isn’t possible to do this for everyone and every issue. There’s an infinite supply of people with wrong beliefs, and you’ve got to live your life.

There’s an Easier Path

This blog is about finding easy ways to make your life better. Winning over an ally is not easy.

Fortunately, there is something extremely easy that you can do to help promote your cause.

And it’s something that will be even more effective than the slow process of winning over allies.

Actually, it isn’t something that you do. It’s something that you stop doing.

One of the best things you can do to help your cause is to stop making enemies. This is also the easiest thing you can do, because it involves doing nothing at all.

Doing Nothing is Better Than Making Enemies

It’s natural to want to do something when you see a problem. That desire means you’re a good person.

But you need to ask whether the something you’re doing is helpful, or if it’s doing more harm than good.

The clearest example of something that does more harm than good is making enemies.

And a quick way to make enemies is to operate under the paradigm of scoring points.

People Can Disagree With You Without Being Enemies

Many assume that if someone disagrees with them, they must already be an enemy. So there’s no cost to scoring points off them. And since it’s fun, why not do it?

This is untrue in a few ways.

First of all, while snerking at people who disagree with you can be fun in the short-term, it comes at a cost to your own mental health. Snerking, regardless of how much people “deserve it,” is training yourself to be unhappy. I’ve never known someone with a habit of snerking who enjoys life.

But also, the assumption that anyone who disagrees with you is an enemy just isn’t true.

Maybe they only mildly disagree. Or they actually agree, and there’s just some confusion between you on terms. Or they disagree, but don’t care about the issue much and were happy ignoring it until you came along.

Then you start insulting them. Ridiculing them. Heaping abuse and scorn on them. Calling them a terrible person.

People don’t respond to that by admitting you’re right. They respond by pushing back. So you’re just guaranteeing the person will oppose you harder, become more extreme in their contrary belief, and fight harder for it. You’ve created an enemy when there wasn’t necessarily one before.

You’ve added someone to the ranks of the other side, and set your side back.

In exchange for the short-term fun and smuggery of scoring imaginary meaningless points against the other side, you’ve hurt both yourself and the cause that you care about.

You, and the people this issue impacts that you are fighting for, would have been better off if you did nothing.

This Doesn’t Mean Activism is Bad

I’m not saying that doing nothing is the best thing you can do.

I’m simply saying it’s better than making things worse by creating enemies.

If you want to put in effort to improve things, you can put that effort into winning over allies, which would of course be preferable to doing nothing.

And there will be other things you can do, which will depend on the specific issue. There’s no one size fits all answer.

I don’t want anyone misunderstanding me thinking I’m suggesting activism is necessarily counterproductive.

But any activism that creates enemies does more harm than good.

Think of People as Not Yet Agreeing With You

A useful shift in your mindset is to stop thinking of people as disagreeing with you. Instead, see them as not yet agreeing with you.

See them as someone who potentially will agree with you in the future. A potential ally to be won over. That way you won’t be tempted to treat them like an enemy, even if they believe wrong stuff now.

From this perspective, it opens the door to more helpful things you can do.

If you’ve gone through the process of winning over allies a few times (as described in part one), you might notice some similar patterns. This will allow you to write or speak to people that don’t yet agree to you en masse, in a way that is more likely to appeal to them.

Give Helpful Advice Instead of Making Enemies

You can also spread the word about specific things others can do to improve the situation.

But one warning about this: Make sure when you are spreading the word about things people can do, you are not using this as a stealth means of scoring points.

Your message shouldn’t be “Here’s why people who disagree with me are wrong,” or “Here’s why certain people should feel guilty.” It should be about what people can do to be helpful, without any loaded language regarding whether such people are good or bad. 

And make sure what you’re telling them to do doesn’t involve them scoring points or alienating people.

Also, a good rule of thumb is if you’re telling people to recognize something, learn something, read books/watch videos, or be aware of something, you’re scoring points and not being helpful. You may think you’re being helpful, but when it comes down to it, these are all just backdoor ways of calling someone ignorant.

And if the problem is just too big, and you can’t figure out a way that you personally can make a meaningful impact, a good all-purpose practice is to make the world better in some tangible way. Even if it has nothing to do with that specific problem.

Volunteer at a homeless shelter or hospice. Mentor an underprivileged child. Make a microloan through Kiva. Or simply help out a neighbor or friend. It will make you feel better, and make the world better as well.

Imagine how much better things would be if people took all the time and energy they dedicated to screaming at the internet, and instead focused that on improving the world in tangible ways.

You Don’t Win by Creating Enemies

Whenever I make suggestions like this, I often receive pushback from people who are stuck in the point-scoring paradigm.

They view the idea that they should spend less time attacking the other side as an attack on their side. They see me as trying to score points on them, and fight to defend against those points. Or they throw out a bunch of accusations toward the other side to “even the score.”

But this isn’t about points. This isn’t about who’s better and who’s worse.

This is about helping the right side win.

If you’re on the right side, you should care more about the right side ultimately winning than you do about scoring points.

Treating Someone Like an Enemy Ensures They Will Always Be your Enemy

I often see partisans (of all sides) wondering what it would take for someone on the enemy side to see the light and stop supporting their awful politicians. They’ll take the fact that someone still supports these politicians after all the terrible things they’ve done as “proof” that such people are evil, and use that to justify their hate, insults, and point-scoring.

But here’s the thing: Nobody is going to support a side that openly hates them.

When you make it clear that you consider the people on the other side your enemy – not just the politicians, but the regular people – you are guaranteeing that those people will continue to be your enemies, and continue to support the politicians you hate so much.

No matter how awful the other side’s politicians get and how many terrible things they do, the people on that side simply won’t abandon them when the alternative is a tribe that is constantly sending a message of how much it loathes them.

They just won’t. It’s not going to happen.

And if you’re thinking “Well if they care more about their feelings being hurt by the truth than they do about [some policy with horrible real world impact], that just shows how awful they are,” then you’re still mired in the point-scoring mentality.

You’re still caring more about trying to prove who’s a worse person than trying to make a better world.

Would you rather insult people for supporting bad policies, or end those policies you find so horrible?

You only get to choose one.

Conclusion: It’s Better to Win Over Allies Than Create Enemies Because That’s What Works

You don’t bring about change by screaming at people.

You don’t bring about change by insulting them.

You don’t bring about change by making them your enemy.

You do it by winning them over to your side.

It’s not a matter of tone, or politeness, or what people deserve.

It’s about what works.