How to Win Allies (Part One of Two)

It’s better to win allies than create enemies.

That’s something that seems self-evident.

Allies help you. Enemies fight against you.

With every ally you win, your side becomes stronger. With every enemy you create, the other side becomes stronger, which means your side is comparatively weaker.

Win enough allies, and there’s no meaningful opposition left, which makes your victory automatic. Create enough enemies, and your defeat is assured.

All this sounds obvious.  But when it comes to disagreements, people tend to forget it. It is much more common for someone to attack, insult, shame, and blame, than to politely and respectfully try to persuade someone. In other words, they’re actively trying to create enemies rather than allies.

Having a Different Opinion Doesn’t Mean You Have to Argue

When you are communicating with someone you don’t agree with, what is your goal?

First of all, note that I didn’t say “argument.” I said “communicating with someone you don’t agree with.” That’s very different. I usually prefer economy of words, but “disagreement” has too much of a negative connotation here.

One of the most life-changing lessons I learned from a self-help book was from How to Win Friends and Influence People, which was nobody ever wins an argument.

There are more fundamental and important lessons self-help lessons I’ve learned, but this was the most life-changing, in that it helped convince me to completely alter the way I was behaving.

Goals of Communication

So when someone has views contrary to yours, what should your goals be?

Here are some reasonable goals:

(Note that these can apply to politics, trivial matters, business, or personal relationships. Though in politics and trivial matters, often the best practice is to just ignore the contrary views entirely.)

• Learn more about their views to find out if they’re right and you’re wrong, or see if you actually agree and it’s just a misunderstanding.
• Drill down to understand where the fundamental difference in views lies.
• Work together to mutually seek out the truth, whether one of you is right, both are right, neither is right, or somewhere in between.
• Find common ground you can agree on despite your differences.
• Persuade the other person over to your side.

But there’s a much more frequent goal people have when engaging with those they don’t agree with: One that leads them to argue instead of engage in civilized discussion.

Many people seem to believe they’re playing some sort of game of Who’s the Worse Person. Their goal when they argue is to score points with an imaginary judge by “proving” how terrible their opponent is.

They don’t want to learn, persuade, compromise, or find common ground. They just want to attack, insult, belittle, and silence.

But of course, there is no imaginary judge tallying up “worse person” points. (Or if there is some sort of deity doing this, points certainly aren’t scored by insults on the internet.) As with Global Thermonuclear War, in the Proving Who’s The Worse Person game, the only winning move is not to play.

I’ll discuss more on this in Part 2, but for now I want to focus on the winning allies part.

Win Allies Step 1: Listen First

So how do you win allies?

First of all, stop trying to score points.

Don’t attack, don’t insult. Don’t label people. Don’t rudely describe them. Don’t be critical of them. And don’t try to cheat this with rationalizations like “I’m attacking their behavior, not them personally.” They won’t see it that way.

And that’s the key point. You need to think about it from their perspective, not yours.

How would you want to be addressed? You probably prefer people being kind to you rather than insulting you. So do they.

If you just thought something like, “Well if I were wrong, I’d want someone to correct me,” then you’re a moron who kicks puppies and liked how Game of Thrones ended.

Did me insulting you convince you you were wrong? Of course not. It just made you dislike me until you realized it was a joke. (Hopefully you stopped disliking me when you realized it was a joke. If not, sorry. Let’s be friends, k.)

Take the time to establish that you are being genuine. Promise that you will be polite and respectful. (And then keep that promise.)

Then say you are seeking to better understand their position. Ask them to explain it, and promise you won’t argue with them. They may be wary, because people often lie about wanting to understand the enemy position when they’re really just looking for an excuse to argue and score points. So you may have to coax them, and make sure you’re being humble and not aggressive.

Don’t say, “I dare you to explain how anyone can justify X.”

Say, “I know our sides often talk past each other, and I feel like I don’t have a good understanding of where you’re coming from. Would you be willing to explain it to me? I promise to respectfully listen and not argue.”

Then respectfully listen and don’t argue.

Win Allies Step 2: Make Sure You Understand

You can ask questions to clarify things, but make sure these aren’t arguments in disguise. You can say, “Do you mean Y?” as long as Y isn’t phrased to sound totally stupid. It’s also fine to say “Do you mean Y or Z.” But don’t say “Do you mean Y, because here’s a reason why Y is wrong.”

If there’s stuff they’re getting totally wrong about what your side believes, don’t correct them. You can do that later, but now is the time for them to talk.

When they’re finished, say, “So your position is Z,” where Z is your new understanding of their position, described in the most charitable and positive way you can manage.

You don’t have to agree with their position, and you probably won’t. But at least describe it fairly, accurately, charitably, and without arguing against it.

If they agree with your description, great. If not, they’ll explain what you misunderstood. Listen to this, and repeat the process until you are able to describe their position to their satisfaction.

Then thank them for taking the time to explain.

You’ll probably have found several areas that you have in common. Point these out.

You’ll also likely have learned several aspects of their position that you previously misunderstood. Acknowledge that you were wrong about those misconceptions, and thank them for clearing those up.

Win Allies Step 3 – Explain Your Side Only After You’ve Made Clear You Understand Theirs

After you’ve built this trust by faithfully listening and understanding their position without arguing, you can then ask them if they are willing to hear your side.

If they say no, accept that. You did promise not to argue. Be content that by building trust, they’ll be more charitable toward your side in the future.

But they’re much more likely to be open to listening to you at this point.

Give the broad overview of your position, being careful not to insult or attack their side.

Consider your new understanding of their views, especially your commonalities. When presenting your side, focus most on what you have in common, and what builds out of that.

You shouldn’t hide any views that are different, but keep as much focus as possible on stuff they’re likely to agree with (or at least not find too objectionable), while still reasonably presenting your position.

Now is the time to politely clear up any misconceptions they had toward your position. “It seems like you think that we believe A, but really we believe B.” “It sounded like you thought when we say C, it means ‘blippity blippity,’ but we actually mean ‘flarpity flarpity.’”

Answer any questions they have along the way. And when you’re done, ask if they have any more questions or anything you can clear up. Then politely respond to those.

Avoid Correcting Them About Any Facts

Here’s something important: It’s okay to clear up misconceptions about your side’s position, but if they got any basic facts wrong, do your best to avoid mentioning that.

Nobody likes being told they’re wrong, especially when they are, in fact, provably wrong.

Yes, I know you would prefer to know it if you were wrong. Everyone says that. But the reality is that nobody likes to feel like a fool. If you present them with compelling evidence that they’ve been a fool, they’ll go into denial to avoid admitting it, and start pushing back.

I know every fiber of your being will want to correct their ignorant assertions. But if it’s at all possible to explain your side without mentioning the facts they got wrong, be like Elsa and let it go.

Remember your goal is not to tell them why they’re wrong. It’s to win over allies. Shaming them by pointing out their ignorance is a quick way to fail.

If there’s no possible way to explain your side without correcting them, do it in the gentlest way you can. “A lot of really smart people believe P, and I can certainly understand why you would think that. But it turns out Q is correct.”

Before you do this, double-check to make absolutely sure you are correct and they are wrong, rather than the other way around. (Don’t just assume you’re right.) And check with a source you know they will find reliable in case they want confirmation.

And again, it’s much better if you can avoid correcting them at all.

Win Allies Step 4: There is No Step 4

And that’s it. There’s no deal to close, no final pitch, no asking them to change political parties then and there.

Leave it up to them to take the final step. You’ve done the best you can to win over an ally.

Even if they don’t take that last step, they won’t be so vehement an enemy, and you’ve gained a better understanding of the other side. Perhaps even made or strengthened a friendship. So you still win.

And what if they aren’t as respectful toward you as you were toward them? If they’re not, try not to let it bother you, and keep being polite.

If they get too aggressive, then it may be best to walk away.

You can’t force someone to change if they don’t want to.

If you try, you’ll just be in an argument, which is the exact opposite of what you want. But it takes two people to argue, and being in an internet argument is the rare problem that can be solved by literally doing nothing.

Just stop arguing and you’re no longer in an argument.

This Doesn’t Work With Everyone, But It Works More Than You’d Think

One other note:

I don’t want anyone to think I’m claiming this is some sort of magic that will convince anyone to join you.

Some people are such true-believers, or so filled with hate, that there’s simply no way that you’ll reach them.

If someone’s standing on a street corner preaching about a Flat Earth, or posting on Facebook that anyone who votes for a certain political party deserves to die, don’t bother with any of this.

Just don’t engage with them, at least not about these subjects. It won’t go well no matter what you do.

But if your cause is just and true, for most people who are in the middle or apathetic, or even mildly on the other side, talking to them like this can win them over.

Even for people solidly on the other side, you probably won’t convince them to join you, but you’ll get them to be a lot more respectful and tolerant toward your side. Which is certainly progress.

To Be Continued

This ended up way too long for one post, so I’m splitting it up into two. I’ll talk more about winning allies versus making enemies, the Persuasion vs. Point-Scoring paradigms, and go through some examples in Part Two next week.

See: Part Two: How to Stop Making Enemies.

For additional reading on winning allies, I highly recommend:

• How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie
• Influence by Robert Cialdini
• The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey, particularly Habit 5: Seek First to Understand, Then To Be Understood