A few days ago my wife was telling someone about my blog, and described it as being about self-improvement from a skeptical point of view.
I found this a bit jarring, because I aim to focus on positivity. But then was surprised by my own reaction. Why did this seem weird to me? The tagline of the site is “A Skeptic’s Guide to Self-Help” and one of the top level pages is “Self-Improvement for Skeptics.”
A Focus on Positivity
The reason I found this odd is that in the eight months since I launched this blog, my focus has shifted somewhat. If you go back and read my series on The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People (Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6)*, I had sections on “What’s the skeptical view on this?”
More recently, I don’t often talk about skepticism. Instead, my focus is much more on keeping a positive outlook. Looking back at my eight most recent posts that aren’t about weight loss: There’s Affable April, about being more positive on social media; Less Scorn Equals More Happiness; Times of Disruption Are When Habits Change, encouraging people to build and keep positive habits; 13 Things I Learned From Reading 50 Self-Help Books, most of which are methods to improve your level of happiness; Incremental Improvements, about how to make small positive changes that will build up over time; What I Wish I Knew, much of which is rejecting the negative, cynical outlook of my past; Digging Out of Slump, about my own efforts to maintain a positive attitude and work through difficulties, and finally, Don’t Throw Water on a Grease Fire Just So You Can “Do Something.”
That’s seven out of eight posts that are focused on positivity. (The exception is the Grease Fire post. That’s about refraining from jumping into a situation where any contribution you make will only make things worse.)
Additionally, my two weight loss posts, The Miracle of Frozen Foods and Reward Yourself During or After Exercise (But Not With Food) are also positive in tone. That’s one of the major themes of my weight loss book. I avoid the self-hatred, deprivation, sacrifice, “tough it out,” “if you can’t do this you’re a loser and deserve to be fat” mindset inherent in most traditional diets. I believe that mindset is one of the major reasons why most traditional diets don’t work.
Negative and Positive Phrases
Here are some phrases you’ll never see on my blog, unless they’re in quotation marks and I’m telling you they’re the sort of thing you should ignore: “You must not want it hard enough.” “You’re not good enough.” “Just work harder.” “Your problem is a lack of willpower.” “If you aren’t willing to make sacrifices, is it really your dream?” “I hate [politician/political party/race/religion/ethnicity/nationality].” “People who disagree with me are stupid/evil.” “You’re a loser.”
You’re much more likely to see phrases like “That’s okay.” “Have compassion for yourself.” “Foster a positive attitude.” “Avoid negativity.” “Reach out to people when you need help.” “It’s okay to have a bad day.” “Mental health problems are nothing to be ashamed of.” “Avoid self-judgement.” “When you make a mistake, don’t beat yourself up about it. Just learn from it so you can do better next time and move on.”
Skepticism is Rejecting Unhelpful Self-Help
The tagline for the site is still “A Skeptic’s Guide to Self-Help.” I haven’t changed it to “Self-Help From a Positive Outlook.” How come?
If you’re new to the site, or haven’t read it in a while, I urge you to read my explanation on what Self Improvement For Skeptics means. Here’s the short summary:
There are two broad categories of unhelpful self-help books: The first are those that promise woo woo magic. They say that if you have the right attitude and believe hard enough, the universe will mystically grant you your wishes. Despite my positive outlook, I can’t deny that this is just plain silly. No matter how hard you want it, you aren’t going to suddenly discover a long-lost great uncle who gives you fifty million dollars and a marriage to Brad Pitt. Happiness may be a matter of outlook, but success requires action.
The second kind of unhelpful self-help book are those that tell you that you can succeed, as long as you have infinite time, energy, willpower, knowledge, and confidence. They’ll give instructions that a normal person simply wouldn’t be capable of following. Perhaps the authors of these books are extreme outliers who have the ability to follow their own advice, but normal people who need advice just aren’t like them.
These books can be dangerous to your mental health. You’ll read them, try to implement the strategies they contain, and then inevitably fail. Which will leave you still having whatever problems drove you to reading the self-help books in the first place, plus additional shame over failing at the program, and the guilt that your lack of success is your own fault because you weren’t able to follow the instructions the book laid out for you.
Where Skepticism and Positivity Meet
This is where skepticism and positivity meet. Skepticism demands recognizing that the problem doesn’t lie with individuals who can’t meet impossible standards. It lies with the books and their authors for creating those impossible standards in the first place, and setting up their readers to fail.
As a skeptic, I look at that situation and tell an individual who has failed, “Don’t feel shame that you couldn’t achieve the unachievable. Feel pride that you were trying to develop yourself in the first place. Keep up the good work, don’t get discouraged, and look for better strategies for improvement that are more realistic and helpful.”
That is why there’s no conflict between a positive and skeptical outlook.
A Positive Approach to Self-Improvement is the Correct Approach Because That’s What Works
Skepticism is not cynicism. A cynic rolls his eyes at everything, the good and bad alike. A skeptic questions things, refuses to take them on faith, and wants evidence, in order to separate truth from falsehood.
But the goal of skepticism isn’t to reject things. It’s ultimately to find those things that are true. And the truth is that there is overwhelming scientific evidence that a positive approach to self-improvement is best.
That is the biggest meta-lesson I’ve learned from reading over 50 self-help books. I used to be cynical, critical, judgmental, and spent my time tearing down the world to show how much better I was. And I was miserable, with my life and happiness on a downward trajectory instead of an upward one. Then I learned, and grew, and realized how much better a positive outlook was.
Why Positivity Works
Fostering a positive outlook will directly increase your happiness.
A positive outlook increases your resilience and ability to handle difficult situations.
A positive mindset helps you grow and learn new skills.
A positive focus helps you recognize new opportunities.
Being a positive person makes you more likable and attractive, which helps in making friendships and building community, as well as maintaining existing friendships and communities. Friendship and community have huge impacts on your happiness, success, and help you receive when you’re down. A positive person is also more romantically attractive and has an easier time finding a mate. (Which isn’t so relevant to me since I’ve been happily married for 13 years, but is helpful information for a lot of you.)
Positive people believe they have agency over their own life, while negative people believe they are at the mercy of outside forces. Whichever one of these you believe becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy (see my Rules to Live By), and it’s much better to be able to control your own life.
Positive people treat others well, which both feels good in itself, and inspires reciprocal good treatment.
Conclusion: Am I Sure This is Still “A Skeptic’s Guide to Self-Help?” I’m Positive
The goal of this site is to give my readers self improvement advice that works. And that requires me to be skeptical. To continue to reject both the simplistic advice that won’t work and the unrealistically complicated advice that is impossible to follow.
This isn’t a blog about a positive approach to self-improvement. It’s a blog that advocates a positive approach to self-improvement because that is what works. It there ever were a case where I believed a negative approach would be more helpful, that is what I would advocate.
I don’t think that’s likely, but as a skeptic, I can’t rule out the possibility.
* Side note: I never did finish that series. It was starting to feel like a chore to right. Also, the seventh habit, “Sharpen the Saw,” that you should keep in shape physically and mentally through exercise, getting enough rest, spiritual renewal, and learning, just seemed so straightforward and such common advice that I didn’t really have anything interesting to say about it.
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