Less Scorn Equals More Happiness

I recently read The Gift of Imperfection by Brene Brown. In the book, Brown made a very interesting point about scorn, contempt, and judgmentalism.

Over the last ten years or so, I’ve made a determined effort to avoid scorn/contempt/judgmentalism, especially toward people I know. This ties into several of my rules to live by. “Anger and hate hurt yourself far more than the target of your anger and hate.” “People can be wrong without being evil or stupid.” “It’s okay for different people to have different beliefs.” “Most people are generally good and decent.” “Don’t attack or blame people.” It also ties into some of the Things I Wish I Knew: “Don’t be spiteful.” “You suffer from the same flaws as everyone else.” “It’s always better to be polite and friendly.” 

The reasons I’ve tried to avoid scorn have generally been outward looking, based on my relationships with other people. Scorn drives other people away. It inhibits connection. It makes me an ugly, hateful person that decent people wouldn’t want to be friends with. Scorn toward classes of people based on political party, attitude, religion, age, class, region, educational level, hobbies, interests, etc. deprive me of the opportunity to know all the wonderful individuals in those classes.

Brene Brown, whose research is primarily on how people experience shame, has a more inward focus when she talks about scorn. There’s a fundamental connection between scorn for others and how we view ourselves.

Here’s the issue she raises: Nobody is perfect. We all make mistakes, screw up, and do bad things from time to time. If we’re contemptuous of others whenever they make a mistake, how will we view ourselves when we do the same?

At that point, we really have two options. We can twist ourselves into knots with some tortured rationalization as to how we were actually right, which deprives us of the opportunity to learn from the mistake, drives us toward narcissism, and makes us kind of a jerk. Or we could be filled with shame and self-loathing about what a terrible person we are.

By contrast, if we are compassionate and forgiving toward others who make mistakes, it leaves us room to be compassionate and forgiving toward ourselves.

Brown gives an example of a mother showing up late and missing her daughter’s dance recital. One parent harrumphed and rolled her eyes at the late mother, which caused her to break down into tears. Then other parents came and comforted the late woman. Of the people who held these contrasting attitudes, who do you think will be better equipped to handle it emotionally when they make a parenting mistake?

I’m not suggesting you avoid scorn/contempt/judgmentalism entirely. You’d have to be some sort of saint or monk to do so. Certainly when you see spring breakers partying during a pandemic, or politicians doing some fool thing, it’s really hard to avoid judging them. And obviously you shouldn’t take this attitude to an absurd extreme, like “I’m sure that serial killer is a good person who just made some mistakes.”

But I do think you’d be happier if you made an intentional effort to reduce the amount of scorn, contempt, and judgement you felt and expressed toward others. Don’t be quite so harsh on people. Be more willing to forgive. Ignore and look past the little stuff. Don’t write that Facebook post mocking someone for screwing up. And when someone knows they made a mistake, offer them your sympathy rather than your mockery.

This will improve your connections with others, and improve your ability to forgive yourself.