I saw a meme recently that really struck me: It said “The antidote to negativity is not positivity, it’s warmth.”
I think in some ways this is very true, and in some ways is very untrue.
Let’s first talk about how it’s true: If someone is feeling sad or depressed*, it’s not helpful to tell them to “cheer up.” That just invalidates their feelings, which either adds a sense of frustration to the difficulty that they’re already experiencing, or else adds a sense of self-loathing for their failure to feel the way people tell them they’re supposed to be feeling. Of course they’d rather be happy than sad. Telling them to do that isn’t going to make them magically accomplish it.
Instead, the most helpful thing you can do for someone who is feeling sad or depressed is offer them warmth: A friendly ear, a hug, taking them out for coffee. Let them express their feelings without judgement, and know that they are loved.
* Note that being sad and being depressed are very different things, and one shouldn’t conflate the two. But in this context, the appropriate reaction to someone you care about suffering from either of these is the same.
However, in another way, I very much disagree. And before I continue, I want to make clear that I’m not trying to attack the meme. I think it was well-meaning, and made a very good point within a certain context. My disagreement with it is when you look at other contexts.
You can’t use positivity to cure negativity in someone else. But, positivity *is* an antidote to negativity within yourself. Or perhaps a better term would be vaccine. It’s really a little of both.
Let me explain.
Happiness doesn’t have all that much to do with your circumstances. There are happy people living in third world hovels, and there are unhappy billionaires. Happiness research has shown that once people reach a level of wealth/income sufficient enough to meet their basic needs of food, water, and shelter, additional income contributes very little to happiness. And once people reach a First-World middle class level of income, there’s absolutely no connection at all between additional income and additional happiness.
What impacts your happiness far more than your circumstances is your outlook. And that is something you can control. Having a positive outlook is one of the best things you can do to ensure that you are happy.
(Let me add another caveat here that there are certain specific circumstances that have a major impact on happiness, such as a chronic painful illness, the death of a loved one, or a difficult divorce. And I don’t want to be dismissive of these. But they are the exception rather than the rule.)
Obviously you can’t just decide to have a positive outlook any more than you can just decide to be happy. But it is something you can work toward, and build up through habits.
You can do things like keeping a gratitude journal. And avoiding negative social media. (Both writing and consuming.) And reading books like Factfulness by Hans Rosling, Enlightenment Now by Steven Pinker, and It’s Getting Better All the Time by Julian Simon and Stephen Moore, that present facts and evidence about how the world is the best it’s ever been.
You can also practice the principles of Cognitive Behavior Therapy. This is essentially building the habit of replacing negative thoughts with positive thoughts. I highly recommend the book Feeling Good by David Burns for a more detailed description along with worksheets and exercises to help train you in this practice.
(Note: As I said before, there’s a difference between being sad and being depressed. While Cognitive Behavioral Therapy has been proven to be an effective treatment for depression, you should still consult a mental health professional, and some forms of depression need medication to be effectively treated.)
You should also be wary of the opposite – those peddling negativity. This is very common in the world, especially among social media, regular media, activists, and the educational system.
There are certainly plenty of problems in the world, and I’m not suggesting we should be complacent about them. It’s useful to say, “Here’s what we need to do to fix the problems.” But it is the opposite of helpful to say, “Everything is terrible and there’s nothing you can do about it, so you might as well give up.”
Many of those peddling negativity mean well. And it’s true that awareness of a problem is the first step toward solving it. But it’s not the only step.
There’s also a tendency for those trying to raise awareness of a problem to be understandably frustrated by it, especially when they feel there is a specific group at fault. And this leads them to present the problem through a lens of anger, blame, and shaming of those they see as responsible.
While this is a natural response, it is counterproductive. People don’t like to be blamed or shamed or to be the target of anger. It makes them defensive and argumentative, and they will push back rather than be receptive toward a message of what they can do to help. Meanwhile, everyone else is left frustrated and hopeless, because the problems persist and they feel like the only solution is waiting for obstinate argumentative people who refuse to change. They don’t notice those people are only obstinate and argumentative because they were just attacked.
Even for problems where there isn’t a specific group to blame, those who could be taking actions to improve the world often don’t bother, because they’re convinced that everything is hopeless and the world is doomed, so there’s no point.
This is why a message of hope, optimism, and positivity is so much more powerful than doom-and-gloom negativity. Those with a negative worldview think positivity is about ignoring problems, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. Positivity isn’t about ignoring problems; it’s about seeking solutions to problems, and doing the best we can given the world that exists. While negativity is about giving up.
Positivity isn’t about ignoring problems; it’s about seeking solutions to problems, and doing the best we can given the world that exists. While negativity is about giving up.
That’s why I strongly encourage you to foster a positive attitude, both in your own life, and in your attitudes toward the world at large. This isn’t a change you can make overnight, but it is a habit you can work to build.
Start keeping a gratitude journal so you can remind yourself of what’s good in your life and the world.
When you have a negative thought, make a conscious effort to replace it with a positive thought.
When you’re posting to social media about a problem in the world, ask yourself, “Will this post contribute in any way to solving this problem.” If not, really think about if you should post it.
When posting to social media about things people can do to help solve a problem, make sure the post has a positive, upbeat, friendly tone and is free of any anger, blame, or shaming.
The world has plenty of problems, as do each of our individual lives. And I’m certainly not trying to deny any suffering that any of you are going through. I don’t want to be the person telling someone who is sad or depressed to “cheer up.”
But my suggestion is that you start working toward building a positive worldview, which will eventually make you happier, as well as making you more efficacious in improving the world.
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