Ways to Avoid Arguments on Facebook

My previous post on avoiding the temptation of an internet argument was one of my most shared posts. It seemed like people particularly liked the suggestion of e-mailing rants to yourself so that you can think about whether they’re really a good idea to post.

I thought that I’d share some more of the techniques I’ve used to avoid internet arguments.

But first, let me start with a disclaimer, because it would be pretty silly for me to end up in an argument when I’m writing about how to avoid arguments: I am offering techniques that I have found useful for me, for my goal of avoiding arguments. I am not demanding that you or anyone else put these techniques into practice. While I would certainly prefer if people spent less time arguing on social media, what you do on your Facebook is your own decision. If you don’t want to use these techniques, or you think that expressing your anger to those you disagree with is more important than avoiding arguments, you can simply ignore this post and do what you wish. There is no need to argue with me about it.

I’m breaking this into three sections: Tactics to use on your own Facebook page, tactics to use when viewing your News Feed, and what to do if you find yourself in an argument.

On Your Own Facebook

The obvious strategy to avoid getting into political arguments on Facebook is to avoid talking about politics at all. Then it simply won’t be an issue. Well, that would be true in a perfect world. But the sad reality is there’s some hyperpoliticized argument addicts that will start political arguments even over apolitical posts. “That’s a cute picture of your puppy, but X politician is going to kill all the puppies!” “You had a bad day at work? You know who else had a bad day? All the people who were killed because of Y political party!” That sort of thing.

When it comes to those people, just unfriend or block them. Even if they’re close relatives. And you should do that even if they’re on the same side as you politically. It’s the one who instigates that nonsense, and turns the non-political into the political, who is at fault, regardless of whose side you think is correct. (Unfriend means you can still see each others public posts and comments on third party’s posts. Block means you become completely invisible to each other. More details here.)

Now, say you like discussing politics, but not arguing about politics. You’ve got friends and relatives that you enjoy interacting with when it’s not about politics – when you’re swapping kitten photos and talking about your day. But when politics comes up, everything goes to hell. And you’ve got other friends that you enjoy having interesting political discussions with, and wish you could do so without the obnoxious people butting in. Or you just want to share that meme mocking the jerk politician without people who support the politician arguing that your side is just as bad. (I’m not a fan of political memes myself, as I think they encourage tribalist bumper-sticker level thinking, but I recognize a lot of people like to share them, and that’s your own personal choice.)

There’s an easy solution to that.

Facebook allows you to make custom friends lists. Note: If you’re Facebook savvy and/or want to skip past these instructions, you can scroll down to the line below that looks like this one:

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Here’s how: On the left side of your News Feed, find the section that says Explore, and beneath that, there should be a listing for Friend Lists. (You may have to click “See More” to find it.)

Then click “Create List.

Then name the list and start typing names. Facebook will auto-fill from your friends-list.

You may not remember everyone you want on the list off the top of your head. So once you’ve added a few names, I’d suggest you switch to the “Edit List” screen. (This is also how you’d change who’s on the list in the future.) After you create the list, click on it from the Friend Lists section. This will show you a News Feed that consists of only posts from people on that list. (You don’t really care about the custom News Feed for this context.) In the upper right, there’s a drop-down to manage the list, then a button to edit the list.

Then it will pull up images and names of the people on the list. Select the drop-down in the upper-left of the dialog box to, and change it to “Friends.” This will show you all of your Facebook friends, and you can click on people to check/highlight them, which will add them to the custom list.

When posting, select the drop-down in the lower right of the posting window that has your privacy settings, then choose “See All.

Then you’ll be able to scroll down and find your custom list.

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For those of you who skipped past the instructions, start reading again here:

So then when you want to discuss politics, you can exclude the people who will argue with you, and make it so only the people you know will want to see the post and won’t be obnoxious about it will see it. Then you can have interesting discussions without the risk of an argument.

You can also set up a larger list called something like “Reasonable People” for posts that aren’t exactly political, but are likely to trigger people that really like to argue about stuff.

One warning about this: By default, Facebook will keep your privacy settings the same as your last post. It’s easy to forget you’ve set a post to go to your Politics list, and then every post you make for the next month will also be limited to your Politics list. So my suggestion is that after making a political post, immediately make another post where you change the privacy settings back to normal, and then delete that post. (I just write the word “Delete” as my post.) Then the next time you post, it will default to your normal privacy settings.

Also, Facebook lets you specifically exclude certain people, if you’re writing about a certain subject that is likely to set one person off. Following the posting instructions above, click on “Friends Except…” and then it will pop up a list of your friends for you to choose who you want to exclude. (This is also useful if you’re asking for gift suggestions, or planning a surprise party or something, and want to hide that post from a specific person.) But be careful with this feature. I strongly advise against using it to badmouth people behind their backs. That’s an unhealthy habit in general, but also it would be very easy for someone to take a screenshot so that what you’re saying gets back to the person you’re trying to hide it from.

When Browsing Other People’s Facebooks

The obvious thing to do is to unfollow people who constantly post about politics. If it’s a particularly annoying time, like right before an election, you can also snooze them for 30 days.

To do this, click on the three dots to the upper-right of someone’s post, and you’ll get these options from a drop-down menu.

Note that you’re also allowed to unfollow people you agree with. For example, if there’s a particular politician or political party you hate, you may not want to be reminded of this 900 times a day. You shouldn’t feel guilty about hiding people who are constantly posting about how awful that politician/party is, even if you agree. It’s not like reading a bajillion Facebook posts that make you feel angry or depressed will improve the world in any way. It’s perfectly fine to skip the aggravation.

There’s another neat trick you can do:

Say you have a friend that posts a lot of political content, but also posts stuff you want to see, so you don’t want to unfollow them.

A lot of the time, annoying political content is shared from another source. Some blog, or biased news outlet, or snarky meme generator, or something like that. You can hide content from that original source. The bonus for this is you only have to hide this source once, and it works for all people that share from that source. Make a habit of doing this whenever you see an annoying political post shared from a third party, and over time your News Feed will get more and more pleasant.

This only works for Shared content, not Linked content, so it’s not a perfect solution. But it’s better than nothing.

Other than that, you have to train yourself to avoid getting sucked into arguments, no matter how stupid or obnoxious someone’s post or point of view is. Arguing against them is only going to make them double down on their position and make things worse. Roll your eyes and just keep scrolling. Use the mantra “Don’t respond, don’t engage.”

Someone went to a rally for that candidate you loathe? Telling them how awful the candidate is isn’t going to change their mind about the candidate. It’s just going to change their mind about you. Don’t respond, don’t engage. Roll your eyes and keep on scrolling.

What to do if you find yourself in an argument

We all slip up from time to time, and against our better judgement, end up in arguments. What do you do then?

First, take a deep breath, and remind yourself you are not going to “win” this argument. You are not going to convince the other person that they are wrong. That just doesn’t happen in Internet arguments. Everyone always thinks they are in the right, that they have good reasons for what they believe, and that the people who disagree with them are stupid, evil, or at best, misguided. The people you’re arguing with think this about you just as much as you think this about them. Arguing with them will just make them defensive and push them to double down on their position.

You could try to defuse the situation with politeness, kindness, and apologies. Especially if you were the one who instigated the argument, or you’re worried this argument may hurt an important relationship. (Note: Whether it’s a good idea to defuse the situation is unrelated to whether you believe you are on the correct side politically. You always think you’re on the correct side politically.) You could also remind the person you’re arguing with of the things you both agree with or both want. 

To get out of an argument, you can simply stop responding. It takes two people to be in an argument. If you aren’t arguing back, then the argument is over. You don’t have to make a dramatic declaration, or explain that you’re stopping, or have some final mic-dropping quip. When you realize you’re in an argument, just stop responding. Nobody’s keeping score. Nobody will declare that you lost. In fact, you’re the winner, because you’re the one who returned to productively living your life instead of wasting your time, energy, and happiness in the morass of Internet arguments. All you have to do is not respond.

Being in an internet argument is the rare problem that can be solved by literally doing nothing. It takes work and effort to keep the problem going. When you stop doing anything, the problem is gone.

Being in an internet argument is the rare problem that can be solved by literally doing nothing.

Two final notes: Please remember, if you disagree with any of this, nobody is forcing you to follow this advice. You are free to interact with Facebook how you wish. So please, don’t feel the need to argue.

Second, remember this blog is a politics-free zone. Please refrain from mentioning any specific politicians, political parties, policies, etc. in any comments. This post about how to avoid arguing about politics is not the place to bring up your arguments about politics.