Why I Don’t Like the R Word

Let’s talk about a dirty word that causes quite a bit of confusion, anger, interpersonal strife, and self-hatred.

It’s not the sort of dirty word that will get you kicked out of classrooms or make people gasp in church. In fact, it’s taught as a good thing. And that’s what leads to a whole mess of problems.

That word is responsible.

Why is responsible a bad word? Because it conflates two very different concepts: ownership, and blame.* 

Ownership means that you are taking control of a situation. You are the one who will handle it going forward. If something gets done, it’s because you did it, or effectively delegated and followed up on it. You will be accountable – even if only to yourself.

Blame means that something that has gone wrong is your fault. You screwed up or committed a transgression. You are somehow a bad person.

Blame implies judgement and moral condemnation. Ownership implies taking the initiative and mental strength.

Blame is backward looking. Ownership is forward looking.

Ownership solves problems. Blame avoids solving problems.

Criminals are to blame for crimes. Law abiding people have ownership over ensuring their own safety.

This is an important distinction, because to solve any problems in your life, you will need to take ownership of them. Nobody else is going to do it for you. This is true whether or not you are to blame for these problems.

If you sit around saying “I’m not responsible for this, because you’re not to blame, then the conceptual confusion spills over into you also not taking ownership for the problem. Then the problem never gets solved. You’ll spend your life being less happy than you could have been if you took ownership, and your only solace will be the excuse you tell yourself that it’s all someone else’s fault.

You may be poor, or have a slow metabolism that makes it hard to maintain a healthy weight, or have lousy parents, or a jerk boss, or a chronic disease, or clinical depression (which is a specific case of a chronic disease.) 

You are not to blame for any of these things. But you are the only one who can have ownership of your own life. It is up to you to either improve your circumstances, or find a way to be happy given circumstances that can’t be changed. You can’t wait for someone else to do it for you. Certainly not the person who caused the problem in the first place.

Sometimes you are to blame for your problems. But it’s not healthy to dwell on this. The past is the past and can’t be changed. You can try to learn a lesson from it, stop doing whatever caused the problem, and make sure not to do it in the future. But your focus should be on taking ownership of how to improve things moving forward.

Again, taking ownership of improving your life is independent of how much you are to blame for your problems. Maybe if you’re to blame, then taking ownership will include making amends. But that might also be the case if someone else is to blame, or blame is shared among multiple people, or nobody’s to blame.

Blame matters in courtrooms. But in life, it’s a distraction; an excuse to avoid ownership; a tactic for those who have fallen into the trap of explaining why their misery is someone else’s fault instead of finding ways to not be miserable.

Don’t think in terms of responsibility. Ignore who’s to blame. Think about what you can take ownership over. Nobody is going to improve your life but you. 

*(It also means mature and dependable, but that meaning generally isn’t confused with the other two, so let’s set that aside.)